The death of a loved one is one of the hardest experiences we endure during our life. Children, like
adults, vary in their experience and expression of this hardship. Here are some ways parents can help their child deal with the death of someone close to them.
Use clear, simple language. Using phrases such as “passing on,” “going to a better place,” and “no longer with us” may sound less scary or harsh to adults, but to children these statements can lead to confusion. Children need simple and clear statements such as “Grandma died” or “Grandpa is no longer alive.” Simple statements such as these can keep a child from getting scared about a parent going away for the weekend and fearing they will never return.
Avoid giving too much detail. Children are wise but simple in their understanding of the world around them. Children process information in smaller chunks than adults, which is why it is important to limit the amount of information you give them. For example, you may want to begin by simply stating the fact of death, “I have some sad news. Grandpa died today.” This may be enough information for the child at this moment. Once they have processed that, they may ask how or why. Waiting until they ask is one way of making sure not to overwhelm them with too much information.
Help them process. Losing a loved one is hard on everyone, children included. Be prepared for big emotions. Similar to adults, children may have ways of expressing their emotions that are unique to them. Do your best to make time and space for their feelings. It can be helpful to put words to their emotions. For example, “It is normal to feel sad and cry when people we love die. It is even okay to feel angry.”
Prepare them for funerals or deathbed visits. Help your child understand what they can expect. Let them know that grandma is sick and may not be able to speak to you. Explain that people close to dying may look sick or different than when you saw them last. This is especially important if there is a chance the child will take part in the viewing. If the child is going to the funeral, it can be helpful to explain what they may see, such as people crying, laughing, or telling stories about their loved one in an effort to remember and celebrate their life.
Don’t be afraid to show emotion. It is healthy for children to see adults express their emotions, so do not try to shield them from how you feel. Children often take cues from adults on what is permissible and what is not. Crying in front of your child can help them understand the grieving process and may help them in their need to grieve.
Allow time to heal. The healing process can vary according to the child, so be patient and allow the time
your child needs to heal. It is good to check in with your child weeks or even months after a loss to see how they are dealing with it. Remind them that healing is not forgetting and some of the ways we can honor our loved ones who have died is to share our memories of them with others.
For more information on the new guidelines, contact the Greenup County office of the University of Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service.
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